I was bent over the cold, silver railing that lined the edges of the ginormous ocean liner. Just a few days ago, my eyes were fixed on a small patch of land barely visible over the vast, blue sea. I could just make out the faint grey lines that resembled a settlement. Now, there was nothing but the same vast, blue sea from days ago. As I cringed at the repulsive smell of the damp, musty sea water, I could immediately tell that my journey to a fresh start wasn’t going to be easy. It was going to be a difficult, hidden pathway with rocky terrain. But, I could do it.

“Come on, Lilli!” My obnoxious brother, William, shouted from across the huge ship.

“You need to wait…” I mumbled. I was obviously trying to communicate the fact that I didn’t want to follow him, but the words barely made it out of my mouth. My eyes were still fixed in the distance, and I was still holding on to the memory of the tiny black dot that rose just above the horizon of this same ocean. In the memory, my eyes were becoming sore just as the dot disappeared.  The home that I had left behind was gone. For good. All the memories instantly vanished. The good and the bad, the horrendous and the amazing.  I sighed and quickly whipped my head around to see where Will had gone. On the far opposite end of the ship, I could see a small version of him, probably about four inches tall. He was waving at me and signaling the main stairway.

“Mother probably needs me to put the twins to bed,” I softly said to no one in particular. I swiftly hustled to the middle of the ship and down the main stairway. Toward the top of the ship was first class. The middle of the ship held second class, and in steerage, third class passengers were held. Mind distracted, heart thumping, I hustled down to the bottom. My family’s cabin was in the very bottom of the ship. In the hallway that led to it, there laid heavy, metal gates that were pushed off to the sides of the walls. They looked like they could create cages for large creatures to be contained in. Unless they had beasts in the steerage cabins, I don’t think they would be of any use to me. I reluctantly stepped into our cabin, afraid of what may be around the corner. Not of the beasts, but of something else.  I was probably in trouble for reasons that are beyond my mental capacity.

Sure enough, my mother was looking down at my sisters and singing a sweet lullaby to both Edith and Eliza. The floorboard creaked as I progressed closer to her. She must have heard me because she slowly looked up. When her gaze met mine, her cold stare created a harsh image in my mind. I knew I was in deep trouble. We had only been on the Titanic for a few days, and I had already gotten in trouble several times. I guess mothers aren’t very fond of mischievous and bold fourteen year olds.     

I layed in my bed, unhurt by the fact that I had been punished and now had to go to bed early. I stared at the ceiling and thought about what a life I was to begin in a few days. Luxurious, the new world was to be. I couldn’t bear my old life any longer. Just when I thought I had reached my breaking point, my mother sat me down at our old, brown, oak table one night. She explained that we were going to board the RMS Titanic. The Ship of Dreams. The Unsinkable ship. We would go on a safe voyage to a prosperous life. I was so relieved that I could start over. Not that I had done anything so bad in my life, but I needed change. And the Titanic was going to bring me to change. Just as I was fading away and into a deep sleep, I felt a slight shift in the course that the Titanic was following. Possibly a detour, but of course I had to go and explore what the situation was.

 Palms sweating, lungs pumping, I swiftly snuck out of our cabin, closing the door almost silently behind me. I passed the heavy, metal gates once more. They seemed to send me a creepy vibe that, then, I completely ignored. I tip-toed all the way to the upper deck. On my way up, I passed many closed cabin doors. Most people were probably sleeping. Nothing unusual or out of the ordinary seemed to be happening. Another calm, indifferent night aboard the Titanic was already underway. The silence and simpleness of my life aboard the Titanic didn’t help ease the pain that was caused by the desire of having a new life, far away from an old structure made of rotting wood, the one that I used to call home.

Panting from my experience of climbing several staircases, I tried to stand up straight, but it seemed almost impossible. As I approached the end of the staircase, the light from the many stars that lit up the night sky shone their light upon the Titanic. The light illuminated all of the faces of the passengers and crew on the deck.  As I reluctantly stepped onto the top deck, my eyes adjusted to the new lighting. There was way too much action taking place on the deck for me to even begin to comprehend it all. I was in a state of confusion and frustration. Of anger and shock.

I hardly can, but I managed to remember seeing people start to gather together. Many different people displayed many different emotions.  Every person was obviously very different, though the shocking majority of them had one thing in common. They all seemed unusually...calm. Not many  flustered faces to be seen. I seemed to be stuck. My feet? One-hundred pounds of bricks stuck in solid cement. My hands? Handcuffed together and completely numb. I, once more, felt myself sinking into a very deep sleep. Questions haunted my mind. Was I the only one who sensed a disaster? Could anyone else feel the urgent panic that was stirring up inside of each and every crew member?

My eyes were almost completely closed, when suddenly, my arm was firmly grasped. A sound was muttered from behind me. I couldn’t hear it. I flung my head around and saw an anxious crew member.

Suddenly free from my trance, I heard him yell, “Do you not understand me? You need to get into the lifeboat! This is an emergency evacuation! We have plenty of other women who would gladly take your place!”

“I...ugh?...I...umm…,” I stuttered to even form the words. The area around us was crowded. Now every single face in the crowd was flustered and full of panic. The Titanic seemed to be at the end of its life. I could feel it sinking into the roaring, churning sea below.

“Just get in!”

Unwilling to do much more, I followed his instructions and sat myself down into the small boat, Lifeboat #2. It was only about half full of passengers. The wooden boat seemed to be sturdy enough to keep us alive. At least for a few hours. Some children were curled up in their mothers’ arms. Some women crying the name of their husbands. Some passengers seemed to be too shocked to move and had faces filled with pure terror. Other passengers were just sobbing with hopeless faces. We were quickly lowered by a series of davits. Erratic drops took place, created from too much slack in the ropes. The deck above was growing to be increasingly chaotic. People were pacing along the side of the boat. Some were shouting for their family members. Others were even waiting together, holding hands with their loved ones, knowing what their fate was to be.

As Lifeboat #2 drifted further from the ship that was slowly sinking, all I could do was listen. Teeth chattering, face flustered, one woman across from me was frantically speaking to another. My ears fixed on her screeching cat voice; I remember what she said as clearly as if the Titanic sank yesterday.

“The distraught, worried third class passengers were all trapped below, in steerage, with heavy, metal gates containing them, and trapping them like criminals below the decks. They were prevented from leaving. I thought about helping them, but I knew I would never win against the many crew members who were frantically attempting to contain them. I desperately ran up the staircases and ran to a lifeboat and got in,” the first woman rambled.

“So, my husband is still down there?!?!” the second women screamed. The ear piercing scream echoed and caused my ears to ring.
          “They are all going to drown!” She was sobbing now. “ I can just hear the water pouring in, dozens of gallons at a time! All of those innocent children!”

No more needed to be said. Every single person on the boat had a bright red nose, wet, red eyes, and a pale face. Everyone had been drained of all hope for all of the people left on the ship’s survival. We sobbed for hours.

All of the lifeboats that were abandoned in the sea slowly drifted away from their mother ship. In my mind, years slipped away before another of White Star Line’s ships, Carpathia, arrived at the fatal scene.  Tick-tock, Tick-tock.

Whether or not I was to survive, that didn’t matter. Any way my life were to turn, I would be alone. Unless, I was dead. Either living a dreadful life in a new place, all alone or in my old house, alone, and trying to survive. Or dead. With my family. Several times while I was waiting for Carpatia to arrive, I considered it. I knew my family would want me to live. I had to stay strong and live. If not for me, for them.

“Years” later, as I exited my lifeboat and pulled myself onto the broad deck of Carpathia, I knew that my family was gone. All five of them were dead. Pale, limp bodies with no soul, drifting to the bottom of the sea. The sea that gnawed on their flesh, like wild beasts in the woods.  They were gone. But, I had to live.

I am a survivor of the Titanic. I didn’t survive for myself. If it had been my choice, I would have died on Lifeboat #2. I did it for my family. I will survive. In a new and unfamiliar world, I will do more than just survive. I will live. For them.

-Ali Schermerhorn