As I wake up I can hear my alarm going off. I rise in joy as I realize today’s the day. I drag my foot along the wood trim as I'm walking to Ma’s room. “Get your stuff together, Mary, today we leave.” I jump up and down in joy as I pace back and forth.
Today’s the day. Am I really doing this? Will this really be the day? I walk back to my room, hiding my excitement as I grab my suitcase. I rush to the car. Ma loves our Austin 15 hp; Pops got it for her a few years ago. We leave as we play our favorite song, That Haunting Melody, by Al Jolson; it just came out about a month ago.
As we make it to the ship, I stare in awe. My eyes glance from one side to the other as it is the biggest ship in the world after all. I look up at Ma because I can tell how she is feeling. We lost my pop to a shipwreck. That was many years ago, so we decided to put it in the past. I can still tell she is thinking about him.
I look at the clock and become panicked as I realize the ship is about to leave. I’m sprinting up the ramp, rushing to get on. I finally make it, and I am so excited for this moment to come. “All aboard the Titanic. May I please see your ticket?”
As I am walking on I can smell the fresh paint. New china sits on the walls, waiting to be used. I look over at Ma, and she has a sparkle in her eye. You can tell from that look that she is overloaded with joy. We are in first class because she saved up for the Titanic as soon as she found out about it. We go to the top of the ship to wave down at the hundreds of strangers, smiling, and they too are waving at us.
We get to our room, and it is perfect. Even if we don’t have a lot of money to spare after this trip, we know it doesn't matter. I smile at Ma and start hugging her; this is my favorite day of my life.
We put on bathing suits faster than lightning as the Titanic is the first ship to have a pool. We get there, and we look around at the people. Some are weeping, and some are overpowered with happiness. I say to Ma, “I know Pops would be proud of us. He would have saved every last penny just like we did.”
“I know, Mary, he would love to tag along. I know you wish he was here, and so do I. But let's not let that get in the way of our great adventure.”
“I know, thank you for this amazing trip,” I reply. I wanted her to know I would forever be grateful for this trip. We start swimming while Ma is making sure to not get her hair wet. We get out a few hours later and go back to our room to get ready for dinner.
We eat, and it is magical. I use the new china, freshly poured water, and I start gulping the food down; it is amazing. I make a few friends, but I am shy, so I make sure to stay by Ma. I think it wasn’t just out of fear they wouldn’t like me, but because I was too scared what happened to Pop would happen to us. We get back to our room, and we climb in our freshly made bed, the sheets so tight that I can barely move.
When we wake up I feel so refreshed, and I see it is late. I never sleep in, so Ma is surprised. We get up and walk to the breakfast room. Everyone is staring because they are all wearing velvet and fancy outfits. Ma and I don't care, so we eat the scrumptious food and leave.
We make it to the pool after getting ready and sit there enjoying the unbelievable view. The calm but loud waves, the dolphins making noise and jumping. It is unbelievably peaceful, just how I imagined this trip to go. I am unexplainably grateful.
A few days pass, and Ma and I are sleeping as I feel a big bang. I hear a knock on our door. Careful not to wake Ma up, I tip-toe to the door and see Mr. Andrews waiting outside.
“Hi, Mr. Andrews!”
“Hello, Mary, it’s nice to see you again. Could you get your mom?”
“Yeah, but she’s sleeping. I’ll be right back!”
As I go to get Ma I suddenly have this gut wrenching feeling. I’ve never had this feeling. It feels like the complete opposite feeling from when I first got on the ship.
I whisper to Ma as I’m shaking her so she can wake up because I can tell this is a serious matter. I am horrified at this moment. Is it something serious or am I overthinking?
Ma wakes up, and I lead her to the door. I am scared for a multitude of reasons.
“Hello, Thomas, what's wrong?”
“It appears the Titanic is… uhm…”
“What's going on?!”
“Please put on your safety vest and go to the top of the ship and dress very warm as it is very cold out,” he says, shutting the door on our face.
I start to panic, the fear taking over my face. I dress warm while not saying a word; I am too afraid to ask. Am I right? Is this what happened to Pops? Am I going to die? Thoughts rush through my head like a river.
As we are rushing I can’t help but ask Ma, “What’s going on? Is this a drill?” Ma always thinks of the positives. She always reassures me no matter the situation. You can imagine my fear when she struggles to think of something.
“Employees sometimes make erroneous assumptions, Mary. I believe we will be just alright.” I can tell that what she said was the best thing she could come up with. I will admit it helped.
As thoughts fill my head like never before I find myself at the top of the ship. I look for clues of something happening. I hear screeching from down below. Suddenly they stop. The now dead bodies I can see below were sleeping 30 minutes ago, just like me. That’s when it hit me; the Titanic is sinking. I look all around for Ma, but she is nowhere to be seen. I stare down in horror at the hundreds of bodies fighting for their lives. I look down at my feet, and I see cracks in the now wet wood. I can tell the Titanic is breaking like a piece of raw spaghetti. How is it sinking? I thought it was unsinkable. How could this happen? Why to me? Am I going to die?
All I know is I either need to jump or rush to a lifeboat. It’s a matter of seconds before I fall into the crevice of the ship, and it will swallow me whole, so I take action and jump.
I’m not taking a single second to notice how the below freezing water feels against my warm body; I’m looking up at the commotion. The lifeboats launch half empty. The guns firing. The weeps of the mothers and children leaving their fathers. People are screaming. I slowly climb on a floating door, sure I have hypothermia. It all becomes a blur as my vision goes black.
As I regain consciousness I look around. Ma always told me hell isn’t a place, but this sure is. I see dead bodies with their pale blue faces staring back at me, and it suddenly sends shivers down my spine. I’m shivering as I count everyone I see; 1, 2, 3… 257, 258.
Suddenly I am interrupted by a loud honk as I look over. I see the Carpathia. It doesn’t look huge compared to the Titanic. As I’m trying to scream and fight for my life just to get on that boat I see something, a boat full of people that survived.
I start pushing my hands through the water that feels like 1,000 needles stabbing me all over. I come to a stop and freeze in horror. There’s Ma, and she looks so cold. I burst out in tears. Her bright blue eyes are staring at me, but not in a way she usually does. It is a look of fear, and lifelessness. I can’t bear to see her like this, so scared and so sad. I stay there for what feels like years but is only seconds. I place a gentle kiss on her forehead. I whisper, “I love you,” and grab her hand as I whisper goodbye. I continue my journey to fight for myself.
I make it to the boat full of few survivors. We sit in silence for what seems like hours as I can see the trauma in their eyes. I sit in complete agony, weeping silently. That’s when it fully hits me that this is a nightmare. No, this isn’t just a nightmare, this is hell.
As we head to the Carpathia I can’t help but keep looking at everyone in the water. Some floating, some sinking, knowing they had much more in their life planned for them. They were like me; they just wanted to have fun.
We make it to the Carpathia as people are handing me food, jackets, blankets, and water. I am so overwhelmed and tired that I fall asleep right there. I fall asleep, not knowing or remembering everything that just happened. Thoughts race through my mind, but the thing I think most about is that Ma is gone.
I wake up to the sounds of cries. I look over as I realize we are docked. As everything hits me I feel the cold again; shivers go up my spine. I am going to turn to Ma when I remember she’s not here; I left her in the freezing cold water.
I remember looking at my feet, seeing the icy water and cracks in the boat. I remember the feeling of jumping, my stomach twisting and turning. I remember landing in the water no more than 30 degrees fahrenheit. But most of all, seeing all the numb blue faces, seeing Ma’s face.
I stay there frozen, not knowing what to do. I have no one to look after me anymore. I let myself lose two parents to the water. I stand up, not able to feel my legs. I can almost feel the feeling of when I first hit the water, the needles stabbing me like 1,000 knives. I hate this. I just want to leave here with Ma talking about how we had the time of our lives; instead I left her at sea. I hate myself for this. The thought stays in my mind everyday. I could have saved people's lives by taking them with me. Why did I survive? I wish Ma survived instead of me. She deserved it more.
I dread walking off the Carpathia, and being alone. But I do. I get off that ship, and every day since I have learned to defend myself. I have learned how to live alone all these years. I have learned how to take care of myself. I have learned to experience trauma and grief. I survived the Titanic.
-Gianna B.