Chapter
One
I
heard yelling and a few crashes, but I struggled to listen. It was too painful
to hear. I writhed in my velvety bed as I tried to fall back asleep. I looked
outside through the glossy glass window. Lights flickered off in the houses beside
mine as the light moved away from my view, and the stars came out. I shifted
onto my back and closed my eyes. 1, 2, 3… and then I heard a crash that
reverberated throughout the house. I looked towards the end of my bed where a
dog laid. His coat was pure white like snow with small black spots all over. He
slept on his side with his legs stretched out far behind him. I petted the
small dog as he breathed quietly in and out. He methodically moved closer and
leaned on me. I stroked his cloud-like fur as I fell into a deep sleep.
I peacefully woke up,
hearing no noise except for the snores that came from Oreo. I looked out the
window to see the sun peeking from behind the tall trees with the warm colored
leaves. I listened carefully for any stentorian voices. When I heard none, I
believed it would be a good time to head downstairs.
I feebly walked down
the soft, white stairs that felt like cotton beneath my feet as I held onto the
light brown, wooden railing and peered into the kitchen where my parents
usually were. I looked around the house at the piles of books and papers in
front of the large cabinets the same color as the railing on the stairs, but I
saw no one. Oreo steadily walked down the stairs and headed in the direction of
the family room.
“Hello?” I said softly.
“Ruby? In here.” It was
my mother’s voice. It sounded very frail.
I
followed where the noise was coming from. “Mom? Da-,” I gandered straight into
my mom’s pink eyes, her light brown, wavy, unkempt hair covering most of her
face. She wore a light beige jacket over her white shirt. She held a tissue
that had many rumples and had a box in front of her. She clenched them in her
hands as she avoided eye contact. “Mom? Mom, what’s wrong?” I whispered
worriedly as I stirred closer to her. She looked at me as she grabbed my hand
circumspectfully. “Mom, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” Her gaze shifted
towards me as she opened her mouth, but then she bit her lip and shook her
head. Heart pounding, I sat down next to her on the light brown couch. She
squeezed my hand and then placed her head on my shoulder. There we sat for the
rest of the day, tears rolling down our cheeks.
Eyes focused, I stare
intently at the piece of glossy paper in my hand that is full of color, and
most importantly, happiness. I count the number of people in the picture.
1,2...3. I fight back the water that is forming in my eyes. It has already been
a couple months since the accident, but it still hurts as much as it did
before. All of us were smiling and content when we were camping. No one was
upset with anyone else. We were all just having a good time.
“Ruby?” My mom says as
she knocks on the white, wooden door that leads to my room. I quickly place the
picture under my Social Studies textbook and swiftly open my Biology textbook.
“Yeah, Mom?” I say as I
pick up a pencil from my pure white desk.
“Dinner is ready, come
and eat.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in
a minute,” I say as I look at my textbook and start reading from an
indiscriminate section of the chapter. “Just let me finish this question.”
“Alright,
take your time,” she says as she leaves the room. When the footsteps stop, I
wait a few seconds before I take out the photo and look at it again.
-Dilni Pathirana
Dilni,
ReplyDeleteGreat story! The sensory and figurative language that you used was intense, and I liked it. It felt real, like I was standing behind the scenes. Your descriptions helped me understand more like: "I stare intently at the piece of glossy paper in my hand, that is full of color." and "Her gaze shifted towards me as she opened her mouth, but then she bit her lip and shook her head." You also used very scholarly words that made the story strong and mature. Some words I thought were most scholarly were "Indiscriminate, stentorian, reverberated, and circumspectfully." Amazing job, Dilni!
Dilni, I really liked how you used figurative and sensory language to bring the story to life! Some lines I thought really made me interested in the story were " I writhed in my velvety bed as I tried to fall back asleep." and " I gandered straight into my mom’s pink eyes, her light brown, wavy, unkempt hair covering most of her face." I also liked how you used a lot of detail to explain the stetting, such as "I held onto the light brown, wooden railing and peered into the kitchen where my parents usually were." Overall great job!!
ReplyDeleteDilni, great job. As I was reading you kept me wondering what had happened. The figurative and sensory language you used was exquisite. Some very nice lines which showed this was, " His coat was pure white like snow with small black spots all over" and "I feebly walked down the soft, white stairs that felt like cotton beneath my feet as I held onto the light brown, wooden railing....". The way you worded the story brought the story to life. You did a great job on the story!
ReplyDeleteGreat job, Dilni! I love how descriptive the language was throughout this chapter. The line, "She wore a light beige jacket over her white shirt. She held a tissue that had many rumples and had a box in front of her," really helped bring to life how upset her mom was. When it said, "Her gaze shifted towards me as she opened her mouth, but then she bit her lip and shook her head," as a reader even though the mom never said anything I could tell that something bad happened and the mom was too upset to discuss it. A possible central idea of this piece could be loss. I think this because of the line, "I count the number of people in the picture. 1,2...3. I fight back the water that is forming in my eyes," leads me to believe that the family has lost the dad in an accident and Ruby is mourning.
ReplyDeleteWhen reading this piece of fiction I see a lot of central ideas like loss and acceptance. One strong line that supports loss is, "I count the number of people in the picture. 1,2...3." This shows how Ruby kind of wants to forget about the incident. It shows how it pains her to remember the loss of the third member of her family. I also see acceptance as a central idea because the main character can't accept loss. The line, "It has already been a couple months since the accident, but it still hurts as much as it did before," shows just how much she can't accept, and she's emotionally hurting because of it. A message I infer from this piece is that you need other people to deal with the hardships in life. You wrote, "My mom says as she knocks on the white, wooden door that leads to my room. I quickly place the picture under my Social Studies textbook and swiftly open my Biology textbook." Ruby here is trying to hide the fact she still thinks about it from her mom. By secluding herself she hasn't learned to accept loss yet. If she decided to really talk to her mom about it it's possible she would learn to accept loss.
ReplyDeleteGreat job, Dilni! I really like your use of figurative and sensory language in the line "I stare intently at the piece of glossy paper in my hand that is full of color," and you used a ton of strong verbs and adjectives like methodically, intently, and velvety.
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ReplyDeleteDilni, this piece does a beautiful job of addressing the loss of a loved one. I think the central idea is grief, and a line supporting this is, “It has already been a couple months since the accident, but it still hurts as much as it did before.” From this central idea comes the message that moving on takes time, and it’s okay to linger over something (or someone) long gone. The line, “When the footsteps stop, I wait a few seconds before I take out the photo and look at it again,” brought me to this conclusion. This message can be used as a positive reinforcement that reminiscing on things of the past is not always such a terrible thing. Once again, amazing work on this story!
ReplyDeleteDilni, this is an awesome piece! It is very relatable to the reader and shows a lot of emotion. There is a lot of figurative language throughout the book like similes which makes it really detailed. I like the line, his coat was pure white like snow with small black spots all over. Great work!
ReplyDeleteDilini, nice job. I thought the central idea was obliviousness. "All of us were smiling and content when we were camping. No one was upset with anyone else. We were all just having a good time." This is really the foundation because they were completely unaware of what was yet to come, an accident, which created feelings of loss and grief. " It has already been a couple months since the accident, but it still hurts as much as it did before." This quote show the feelings of loss and grief that are held within, festering. A message to draw, is always be prepared for the unexpected. Things that aren't plan leave the biggest mark in our life, and we can't dwell on them. You have to just pull the plug on the bad memories.
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