It was a gloomy day.
One of those when the clouds block out the sky, yet there’s no rain. Just dark.
The school bell rang. A
flood of kids sprinted out of the school trying to be the first one out. But there was one kid in the back that
everyone avoided. He was looking for something, someone. As he walked through
the crowd he relished the feeling of being feared. With each step he took, more
kids, arms flailing, stumbled to get out of his path. He loved the feeling of
attention as he walked up to his next victim. People, feet running, scrambled
away, knowing if they did anything they’d be next. He watched as only one kid
remained, his target, backed up against a wall.
“Please Mike,” the kid
called out. Mike didn’t respond. “I didn’t mean it!” To this he thought a bit. What
did this kid do? He didn’t remember, but it didn’t matter. There was
nothing that would change his mind. He smiled and took a swing.
He wasn’t always like
this. He used to be that kid in the classroom, the one you would ask to borrow
a pencil from, the one that everyone knew, but not well. He had a couple of
friends that he would always talk to. He had messy brown hair going every which
way, seemingly controlling itself, deep brown eyes, almost soulless, and a big
build. He wasn’t tall, nor short; he wasn’t smart, nor dumb. He was, for the
most part, average, but to everyone something about him was off, with a lack of
better words to explain it. No one knew why, so they just let him be.
Now things were
completely different. His friends just disappeared. No one dared to speak to
him, sneaking glances and keeping their distance away like predator and prey as
he approached. He looked at the terror in their faces, only to grin. Even the
teachers refused to meet his gaze. Something caused this change in him. No one
knew why. He loved every moment of it, until he got home. He hated everything
about his home. Home is where the only person that truly helped him feel at
peace was no longer. Home is where he broke. That’s when this side of him
started to show.
Ever since his mother
passed away a few weeks before, he hoped that his father would take her place.
His mother was the one person who helped him be at home, the one person who
noticed him. So after that day, every time his father got home he hoped his
father would talk to him, notice him. But everyday his father went to his room,
only leaving to eat. His father just ignored him.
“Dad?” he would call.
“What?” his father
would reply. It didn’t matter what he said next. He might’ve asked for help
with homework, or to go shopping for school supplies, but the reply was always
the same. “One moment,” his father would say. But his father never came. It
broke him. And one day something just snapped. He couldn’t take it anymore. He
stopped caring, and he stopped calling for help. He stopped, and he was truly
alone. That next day something changed. He was never the most popular kid at
school, and there was this one group of kids who he could always hear talking
about him. Once again in the hallway he heard them. Before he didn’t care. But
this time it was different. When he got out of school he looked around and saw
those kids once again. He turned to walk away, fist clenching. He started to
walk to them, and one of them noticed.
“Hey loser, you don’t
belong here,” the kid called out. He just ignored them and continued to walk
forward. Something in him kept begging him to move. He took one step at a time.
One, two, three... They continued to call names, and to this he only
sped up. Eight, nine, ten… The kids started to look genuinely worried,
unsure of what was to happen. Seventeen,, eighteen, nineteen… When he
reached them he stopped, and he finally let his anger loose. He didn’t remember
exactly what he did. He was almost possessed, but there was something urging
him to keep going. The last thing he remembered was teachers dragging him off
the kids.
The wind blew heavily.
As he walked up the steps to his house, the usual comforting, glowing dim-lit
light, the one that felt like home on the second floor, wasn’t there. He felt
something was missing. There were no sounds either, just cars driving by. It
was too quiet. He peeked through the window, and no one was there either. He
entered his house, looking around, but no one was there. The only thing was a
note saying:
I need a
break. I’ve gone away for a bit so it’ll be just you.
- Dad
He stopped and reread
it. He reread it again. There was no way, he thought. How long? Why? But
as he thought some more he turned to more serious matters. How would he get to
places? How would he get food? He can’t be gone for that long, he
thought. But he wasn’t sure.
After a good bit of
time he turned to more important matters at hand. He did his homework, made his
dinner the best he could with what little there was, and followed the typical
routine. What else could he do? But when he laid down to go to sleep he couldn’t
help but find himself thinking about his dad again. It isn’t fair. How come
he could just leave? Why would he just leave me? Why can’t I take a
break too? His thoughts trailed on and on. Who said I couldn’t? He
lingered on this thought, heart pounding, for a second. He could just leave. He
could take a break. What was stopping him?
Mike’s
dad opened the door to his house. “Mike,” he called. “Sorry I left, I’ve done
some thinking and I need to make this up to you.” There was no reply.
-Ian Zhang
Ian, good job. Your story had some very powerful lines which brought it to life. The way you used figurative language made me feel emotion. Some lines from the story which I like was, " No one dared to speak to him, sneaking glances and keeping their distance away like predator and prey as he approached" and " He was almost possessed".
ReplyDeleteReally good story Ian.I believe your central idea is loneliness the line that i got that from is"He stopped, and he was truly alone.".The lesson that i was thinking about was even if you think your alone your not and stop believing that you are alone.
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ReplyDeleteThis piece was awesome Ian. The main character's depth and how complex his story is really struck me. How he feels lost when his father supposedly left him was great. The line, " He had messy brown hair going every which way, seemingly controlling itself, deep brown eyes, almost soulless, and a big build" really helped me imagine Mike, and how he would look in real life
ReplyDeleteGreat piece Ian. I really like how descriptive you are with describing Mike. You explained he wasn't tall, nor short and he wasn't dumb, or smart. I think you're central idea is changes because you said he started acting different once his mom died. Good job Ian.
ReplyDeleteGreat job Ian! That was a great story. You left it on a cliff hanger. And you used great wording. Like "messy brown hair going every which way, seemingly controlling itself, deep brown eyes, almost soulless, and a big build. He wasn’t tall, nor short; he wasn’t smart, nor dumb." I think the CI is loneliness. I thought this because when Mike's mom died him and his dad changed.
ReplyDeleteIan, that was amazing! The sensory language you used really helped me feel the intense emotions Mike was going through. For example the lines, "It broke him. And one day something just snapped. He couldn’t take it anymore. He stopped caring, and he stopped calling for help. He stopped, and he was truly alone," really helped me understand the depth of Mike's heartache. Great job!
ReplyDeleteAmazing piece Ian! I can tell you put a lot of thought into this. I like how you used personification to help bring Mike's character to life. The specific instance I am referring to is in the line, "He had messy brown hair going every which way, seemingly controlling itself." I enjoyed all the interesting things you did to help make the story more "fun".
ReplyDeleteGreat Job Ian! you've put a lot of effort into this. this may have took a long time to think about this, too. other than that, nice work!
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