I look down, and all I see is the hard, rough, monstrosity of a beam that I’m standing on, four inches wide and four feet off the ground. I continue to stare at the beam, which looks narrower every second I look at it. I know what I have to do, but I just can’t do it. Why can’t I do this? I realize I have been standing still, staring at the beam for way too long. Before I know it, I’m standing in front of my coach, getting lectured about how I’m throwing in the towel. Why I won’t do a skill. Why I’m such a coward. I rarely listen to my coach, looking at the floor immaturely and nodding every so often.

For every sport, there is a challenge athletes need to overcome. For my sport, gymnastics, mental blocks are what gymnasts likely have to face. A mental block is when someone is perfectly capable of doing a move, but the voice in their head keeps reminding them of everything that can go wrong. Things like, I can break my arm, dislocate my shoulder, crush my nose, roll my ankle, break a finger, bruise my ribs... Obviously that’s not too reassuring. Basically, it’s when their mind goes crazy for no apparent reason. Anyway, I now have a dreaded mental block on beam (one of the four events in gymnastics). My conscience is totally making me go crazy right now. I keep getting up on the beam, again and again, and I just can’t do it. I have no idea what’s the matter with me.

Weeks later, I have made no progress. I only work on the skill when I have to. I avoid it as much as I can, and I don’t get much done anymore. At this moment, I realize that I have to work hard in order to get a successful outcome. Avoiding it isn’t going to help me, it’s just going to make my coaches more frustrated. They notice everything. Everything. This is a high value skill, which means it’s really hard. How on earth do they expect me to do this skill?

For what feels like the millionth time, my coach is talking to me again. All about how I need to try harder and need to put more pressure on myself. Right now, the last thing I need is to feel pressured. This isn’t my fault. I’m trying as hard as I can.

“Hey!” My coach snaps me out of my thoughts. What did she say? Oh, yea. She asked me why I won’t do the move.

“Well, I don’t know. I just can’t go through with it.” Surprisingly, for the first time, I don’t get lectured.

 “It’s four inches wide. Problems will happen,” she says a little louder than I think she means to. How does it help to remind me how high and narrow the beam is? Still half listening, she says something like,“...this is your fourth time re-learning this skill. That’s three too many. Do something about it.”

            As I walk toward the beam, I think of how long I have tried to do this, and I realize it’s been more than two years after adding up the times I had to start this brutal process all over again. That’s way too long. If I don’t do this soon, I might never be able to do this. I think of all of the times I walk in here, day after day, getting nothing done because of this one move. I think of how many times I’ve gotten told that this skill is perfect, that it’s a great skill to have. Then what’s stopping me?

            I climb up onto the beam, my skin blazing and my heart pounding. I try to block out everything else going on right now and focus. Visualize that it’s going to be perfect. I see myself hesitantly swinging my arms, spazzing out and crashing onto the floor head first. I open my eyes and forget about that. It doesn’t matter how many times I have done that before. It won’t happen again. I take a deep breath, swing my arms, and all of a sudden I’m in the air. All I register is a big tan blur of the beam with messy white spots. Before I know it, I’m standing on the beam after the move I just did, totally oblivious that I just did something. I am so nervous that I forget what happened. When I slowly look down to see my opposite leg in front, I realize that I must have done what I needed to do. Wait...I did it?

            I did it. I did it! I actually broke my mental block. I then realize why I had such a hard time with this. As hard as it is to believe, I needed to block out my conscience telling me right from wrong. I always get called out for being very negative and pessimistic about not just gymnastics, but my whole life. As much as I want to say I get pressured from other people, it’s all my fault. Even though the rational part of me thinks it is a bad idea, I have to block that out and still be optimistic about trying new things, even if it makes me a little uncomfortable. As my coach always says, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable.

-Michaela DeFrancisco