You’re sitting in front of all your gifts. Your mom tells you not to open any presents or else you’ll be in trouble. When she leaves the room, you then carefully take one of the gifts so your mom won’t hear and then open it. Your mom then comes back into the room. She finds out about what you did, and then she takes all your gifts away. You didn’t listen. Neither did I. Listening is a very important thing. I should know.
It was 2020 in March. The exhilarating sun was shining so bright. The beautiful immense clouds could never look prettier. The cool wind was wafting through the air like a baby bird just learning to fly. It was a perfect day. For it being such a beautiful day, my cousins, sister, and I decided to go to a playground. After all, what could go wrong there, right? That’s what we thought. When we got to the playground, my sister had a game idea. Somehow, I had the idea of climbing on this large, brown, tall, and steep roof. The structure was two stories high. I climbed to the roof. No one was compelling me to do it, but I guess I was compelling myself to do it.
Once I got up there I then realized how ginormous of a drop down it was. The thoughts going through my head were truly indescribable. I had a desire to be back in my house and not on a roof! I was afraid. Extremely scared you could say.
Then I put my bravery cap on and slid down, feeling a rush of nervousness through my mind. Finally, I dropped to the ground with a big bang. Yes, I started to cry. I only got a little hurt. Clearly I didn’t take that as a warning, so I went back up again. My grandma was out on our deck and could easily see me on the roof (but she didn’t).
My sister and cousin were rushing me to get down; I hate when I get rushed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to slide down again. However, there was a voice in me that was like 5,000 little bugs constantly telling me to slide down. Were they right? Were they wrong? I knew I had to decide quickly. Then it happened. I started to slide down, worried out of my mind. Then I started to cry. BAM. I landed. The pain was rushing through my elbow as if I landed on 1,000 knives. I couldn't hold the horrible tears back. I screamed as if I was a big great beast roaring at its enemy.
My sister was shouting at my cousins to go get my dad. She was so scared for me. She was trying to help as much as she could. While I laid there, I was in shock, still sobbing, still hurting, and still laying on the ground. I couldn’t seem to think. Oxygen? Living? Getting up? Everything seemed impossible. At that time, I thought I would never be the same. I didn’t listen to my sister, and I went on the roof again; the consequences were horrible.
You really think your mom is going to give you your presents back? I don’t think so. Listening. Everyone doesn’t always listen, but you don’t have to be one of those people. I think that when you do something, you really should think about the immense trouble or pain you could get yourself into. Listening.
-Jane M.
Great story, I like how you engage the reader in the introduction by putting the reader in a scenario.
ReplyDeleteI love how you use your words to describe what happens, “Then I started to cry. BAM. I landed. The pain was rushing through my elbow as if I landed on 1,000 knives. I couldn't hold the horrible tears back. I screamed as if I was a big great beast roaring at its enemy.” You do an excellent job of painting a picture in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you used really descriptive words like “ginormous” and “truly indescribable”. When you added these it made the drop seem like a New York City skyscraper and it really built up the suspense. And, I also like how you ended it with sort of a cliff hanger because you got us all interested in the story and then just left us hanging with a ton of questions. Like girl are you okay, did you fall and now you’ll never recover or something. I got to know.
ReplyDeleteJane’s central idea is an uncommon message, listening. Although it is a very important message, I don’t think I’ve read another writing piece speak about listening. In the lines, “Then I started to cry. BAM.” The onamonapia complimented your personal narrative by showing the consequences of not listening, rather than just telling the readers. I think the message really appeared through the text, “I didn’t listen to my sister, and I went on the roof again; the consequences were horrible.” Jane’s personal narrative tells us that we should listen to people when they warn us about things, or even reconsider our actions.
ReplyDeleteJane McCoy,
ReplyDeleteListening to directions is a very important thing to do. I love how in the first paragraph, you used an engaging voice by immersing the readers into the story. It really helped me think of times where not listening to directions resulted in upsetting consequences. I can relate to the story because there have been times when I didn’t listen to directions and it resulted in me getting hurt. The story teaches readers a great lesson; not listening to directions can result in serious consequences. The line “The pain was rushing through my elbow as if I landed on 1,000 knives” is my favorite because of the simile you used. Great job!
I think the C.I is listening. I like how you used sensory language like ginormous, exhilarating and compelling. A quote I liked from your story was “there was a voice in me that was like 5,000 little bugs constantly telling me to slide down.” I'm very surprise that you slid down a roof and didn’t get seriously hurt the first time.
ReplyDeleteHey Jane , I loved your lesson on listening and obeying someone. One thing I loved about your “ While I laid there, I was in shock, still sobbing, still hurting, and still laying on the ground. I couldn’t seem to think. Oxygen? Living? Getting up? Everything seemed impossible. At that time, I thought I would never be the same. I didn’t listen to my sister, and I went on the roof again; the consequences were horrible. “ I loved it because of how you really showed your lesson on how you need to listen and obey. The thing that I really found engaging is your conclusion. I can relate to this topic because I was on a treadmill and I said I should go on the highest speed and my friends said no, and I did it on the highest speed and then I fell and cut my knee open. Overall a really good job. I loved the lesson and keep up the good work!!!:))))
ReplyDeleteFrom Brook-Lynn:
ReplyDeleteI like how you were facing your fears when your boat tilted to the side. You used lots of details and expressed how you felt when the boat went to the side. A quote that I like is," Now every year I go to sailing camp, even after that tragic day," because when I was younger I did gymnastics and sprained my ankle. It hurt badly. I didn't let that stop me though. I learned how facing your fears and never giving up is a good lesson.
From Catherine:
ReplyDeleteYour story about listening is one I can relate to. It is also really engaging. I remember that the listening problem occurred to me on Christmas, too. My dad had preordered the presents, and had hidden them in the basement. He told me and my brother not to try to find them. But, I didn’t listen. I went straight downstairs to find the presents and found them hidden under the stairs. I thought knowing the presents beforehand would raise my spirits, but it did the opposite. On Christmas, I wasn’t as happy to see the presents as before. That Christmas may have been my worst one yet. The central idea in listening has convinced me to listen instead of making bad choices. Next Christmas, I am definitely not looking for presents beforehand! You used a lot of similes that were descriptive. For example, “The cool wind was wafting through the air like a baby bird just learning to fly.” This explains how cool and relaxing the atmosphere was. You also added a lot of adjectives like brown and steep. Good job!