The pungent smell of
chlorine wafted up my nose, making me cough as I clicked my goggles into place
over my swim cap. “Ready?” My coach asked as I swiftly jogged in place to keep
warm.
“Always,” I declared. She
nodded, and I took off my jacket, the one with our team name.
I walked to my place on
the edge of the crystal clear pool, waving to a few of my friends and my
family, sitting, watching like hawks. I took a deep breath, looking around at
my opponents. As I recognized the colors of some teams, one girl in red caught
my eye. Rhianna, I thought, Great. Rhianna was the best of the
best for the capital region. She had won so many races no one could even count.
She gave me a smirk as my coach went over the race requirements.
“Got it?” Coach Jessica
continued.
“What?” I replied, confused.
She laughed, “Just don’t
push yourself too hard.”
“Alright,” I said,
obviously knowing that I would.
“Get to your starting
places!” one of the starting officials yelled over the speaker. I hopped up on
my diving board and got my feet and hands into position.
“On your mark! Get set!”
the official yelled. “Go!!” Then he shot the gun. I shot off the diving board,
a clean slit right into the water. At first, the chilling sensation of the
water stunned me. Then I started swimming. The whole time, I didn’t think about
the other people. I just thought about myself gliding through the water. The
turn flip was coming up, and I was ready. As I got close to the other edge of
the pool I got into place. The turn was clean, sharp, and very fast, which was
good. Alright, I thought, only 15 more meters to go.
I was about halfway to
the other side when, all of a sudden, pop! My goggles snapped off. At first, I
freaked out. So many thoughts raced through my mind. Should I stop and get my
goggles? Will my coach be mad? Can I still win? But I knew I had to finish
the race, so I kept going. The water stung my eyes, but I kept swimming. I felt
like I was drowning, but I kept on swimming.
Soon enough I could see the blurry red line that meant I was close to
the end. I powered through the pain in my arms and legs, my burning eyes, and
just swam. As soon as I had touched the rough edge of the pool I hopped out to
wash my eyes with cool water.
My coach rushed over,
offering her help. She was grinning from ear to ear. I smiled back at her and
asked, “What place?”
She looked at me like she
was surprised I even was asking. “Is that even a real question?” she remarked.
“Well, um, yes,” I
replied.
She laughed and reported, “Of course, you got
first again.”
As a smile spread across
my face I knew that I had done it again, even without goggles. I was so proud
of myself because I thought for sure I was going to lose after that tragedy,
but I’m glad I had listened to my coach. She had always said, “No matter what,
always keep on going and it will pay off, I promise,” and she was right.
-Sierra L.
“No matter what, always keep on going and it will pay off, I promise” “and she was right” I liked this line in your story because iti shows never to give up on yourself or just in general. This lesson can help people that don’t really believe in themselves and help them be more codfident. This can apply to my own life because I used to be a swimmer too. The girls there were so much better than me and I thought I could never beat them in a race. I pushed myself to be a better athlete and try to get first. This helped me alot because it made me believe that I could do it and be the athlete I wanted to be. Your story was very good and taught the readers a good lesson.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteSierra,
You really developed your piece in a way that kept readers engaged.
I can relate to your experience, and you explained it in a way people can picture themselves in this situation. "I shot off the diving board, a clean slit right into the water." This is really good!
ReplyDeleteSierra, this is a really good personal narrative, and when you describe “ pungent smell of chlorine,” and your “clean slit right into the water,” you really kept me reading with the descriptiveness, and your use of dialogue between you and your coach also helped me understand how much the swim meet meant to you. Your life lesson is something that I can definitely relate to, and I think anyone else can if they compare it to their life and one point or another.
A lesson that I believed has been projected to me is to push through no matter what. Evidence from the text that I believe plays out with this is, “ At first, I freaked out. So many thoughts raced through my mind. Should I stop and get my goggles? Will my coach be mad? Can I still win? But I knew I had to finish the race, so I kept going.” It really helped me form a tighter grasp onto the lesson. I believe that I can apply this to my own life by admiring the fact that you explained how you pushed yourself though your goggles snapped.
ReplyDeleteSierra I liked how you used sensory language and it really engaged me. A line that shows this is, “ I swiftly jogged in place to keep warm.” I like that you used descriptive words in this quote. I think the central idea is perseverance because she kept on swimming even when your goggles came off.
ReplyDeleteI learned that you shouldn’t give up, even if it's hurtful just as Sierra L. wrote, “No matter what, always keep on going and it will pay off, I promise,” I can relate to the story, one time when I was in competition for Cheerleading and my brace started to untie mid tumble.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you used mature vocabulary straight from the start to get people engaged. “I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart.” It also seems as though it is also a bit personified as well, which gets me engaged in the story. I also liked that you used personification in the first sentence, where you said “ My heart was practically jumping out of my chest.” That opening sentence really gets me interested, wondering “Why is her heart jumping out of her chest?” It gets me wondering and makes me want to read the story. I must say, the story is very engaging. With a rich variety of mature vocabulary and sensory language, it supports the voice and keeps readers reading.
ReplyDeleteWorking hard for what you want is important to succeed in your goals. You quote, “ ‘She laughed, just don’t push yourself too hard.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, obviously knowing that I would.” I like this quote because it expresses how you feel about succeeding your goal. I also like how you include similes; this helps bring out your perspective on the topic. The simile also engages me because it expresses your suspense about beating this intense swimmer.
ReplyDeleteI learned that to succeed, you have to work hard. At the end, you use your coach's quote; “No matter what, always keep on going and it will pay off, I promise.” This showed that when you believed in yourself, you fulfilled your goal.
ReplyDeleteSierra- I love how you convey your thoughts in this piece to bring the story to life. For example: “Alright, I thought, only 15 more meters to go.” By adding these thoughts into your story, we get a sense of how you were feeling and what you were thinking at the time. I also really liked how you used sensory language like this to describe when you were in the pool. “Soon enough I could see the blurry red line that meant I was close to the end.The message I pull from your piece is to keep going through tough times no matter what. In other words, perseverance. It really shows in the sentence: ¨ I powered through the pain in my arms and legs, my burning eyes, and just swam.¨ I really liked your piece!! Great job!