Chapter
One
The piercing alarm of my
old digital clock woke me up from my refreshing slumber. The clock read 6:38.
Great. I was going to be late for school. On the first day. In my new school.
So much for first impressions.
I sprung out of bed like the
mattress was aflame. I got dressed as quickly as possible, then practically
flew down the stairs into my kitchen. I had been awake for one and a half
minutes, and it already felt like I had run a marathon.
I scanned my cupboard
titled “Snack Food” for the quickest meal possible. My eyes locked onto a bag
of Doritos immediately. Perfect, I thought. I decided I would eat the
Doritos on the bus going to school, giving me time to pack my backpack and do
my hair.
Zipping through the china
cabinets and cupboards decorated with U.S flags with my dad’s name on it, I
bolted up to my room. Great, I thought, as I saw my phone charger not
plugged into my phone. I picked up my Iphone 8 to see the battery at 8%,
meaning I had barely any time to use it on the bus before it died. I located my
clock on my nightstand and read the time: 6:41. That meant I had four
minutes to pack my backpack, do my hair, and call my mom before I got on the
bus. What a great start to the year.
I located my backpack and
stuffed it full of all of the off-brand notebooks and folders that my mom
bought from the dollar store. I scuttled to the bathroom, making sure I didn't
trip on all of the boxes in my upstairs hall. I combed my hair in a matter of
seconds, with all of the thoughts
about a new school and school year
racing through my head. Like my dad’s old Northrop T-38 Talon plane, I flew out
of the bathroom, got my bag, and rushed down to put on my shoes. I read my dad’s
favorite old clock, which read 6:45. My bus would be arriving at any
second. I opened up my phone, seeing two texts from my mom:
hey, u haven't called me yet. I just wanted to make sure ur up
is everything alright
I dialed my mom’s number with speed and clumsiness. As I heard the classic ringing sound, I saw the yellow silhouette of the school bus make its way down my street, the red stop lights turning on at each person’s stop. I shook my phone, trying to make my phone call faster (like that was a thing.) At last, my mother picked up.
“Sergio!” she howled.
“I know, Mamá, I woke up
late because my alar-”
“I don't care! All I want
to know is did you miss the bus?”
“No, 0amá, it is here
right now.”
“Well then stop talking
to me and get on it.”
RINGGGGGGGGG. And just
like that, she hung up the phone. What's her problem today? I thought.
She never acted like that, even when I got into more severe trouble, like
catching the kitchen on fire when trying to make empanadas. Ever since my dad
passed, she has never been the same. I knew that he was the most important
thing in her life-even more important than me-and he was just ripped away from
her. Since then, she had gone from a vibrant, energetic person, to a lazy,
unmotivated individual. She had lost her main job as an accountant because of
her depressed behaviour, she stopped cooking, especially my dad’s favorite
meals. We had gotten take-out almost every night since. It had taken a massive
toll on her health. She just was...so out of it.
I jumped out of my
thoughts as I heard the squeaking of the bus’s wheels outside of my house.
Without hesitation, I sprinted outside, making sure that I had everything that
I needed to go to school. I was sure that I had done everything that was
needed. I saw the bus’s doors open, like arms unfolding. In an attempt to calm
myself, I casually strolled outside and hopped on the bus.
The bus driver oddly
welcomed me as I strolled onto the bus. All of the kids were looking at me but
were not saying anything. The bus had this weird feel to it, almost as if you
were in a zoo, feeling everybody gazing at you like sightseers. Zigging and
zagging through the students’ legs in the aisle, I made my way to the back of
the bus. Nobody said anything about it, which was surprising, because in my old
school, only members of a certain gang could sit in the back (weird, I know). I
was part of that gang, however, so I had the privilege to sit in the back.
That's part of the reason why I am at this school now. I took a seat in the
second to last seat, which nobody was occupying. A tall, lanky kid greeted me
with a somewhat forced, “Hello.”
I responded quickly with
a, “Hi, I’m Sergio.” I hated making small talk, but I was just introducing
myself to this person.
“My name’s Michael. Are
you new here?” he asked.
“Yeah, I moved in like
two months ago,” I responded.
“Cool,” he added.
What was the point of
that? I wondered. I get that he was just trying to be nice,
but that was an odd interaction. There was absolutely no talking on the bus. It
wasn't even a rule that the bus driver had made. The bus driver wasn't even
talking either. The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It
smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for
days. The horrible aroma made me queasy, which added to my motion sickness from
the bus moving. I sat by myself, listening to music throughout the rest of the
bus ride, until we arrived at Westboro Public High School. The wheels of the
bus screeched to a stop as we pulled into the bus parking spot labeled “24.”
-AJ Castillo
Aj good job, your use of adjectives made the setting and mood of the story come alive. One line that showed this is "I sprung out of bed like the mattress was aflame." The adjective aflame made me realize how fast the main character was moving. Overall great job Aj.
ReplyDeleteThe sensory language you used was really good. It really stood out to me when you said "Without hesitation, I sprinted outside, making sure that I had everything that I needed to go to school. I was sure that I had done everything that was needed." I could really imagine that happening because i'm also worried I will forget something when going to the bus.
ReplyDeleteEverything you added brought the story to life. I could imagine being the boy, having the anxiousness to get to the bus. The sensory language and the strong verbs helped a lot with that. Also, the way you included the time added to all the distress of the character. The quote, "Zigging and zagging through the students’ legs in the aisle, I made my way to the back of the bus." showed strong sensory language that had me imagine being in the position.
ReplyDeleteWow. That was absolutely great. You really set in that queasy tone of uneasiness. The line, "Great. I was going to be late for school. On the first day. In my new school. So much for first impressions," really struck me. It made me understand how Sergio goes with the flow and figures things out, despite how his mom chooses to act and the absence of his dad. It really shows me how I should go with the flow in my life. I woke up at 7:40 this morning and my bus comes at 8:20. I was super stressed about it and angry until I got down the driveway and realised everything was fine. I should have taken the late wake up more calmly.
ReplyDeleteA technique you used in your writing piece was figurative language. This really helped shape the story and bring it to life! An example of this could be, "I sprung out of bed like the mattress was aflame." and another," I had been awake for one and a half minutes, and it already felt like I had run a marathon." All of the following were similes. These helped me understand the rapidness the character when he got out of bed and how tired he was!
ReplyDeleteYour piece was very good and your sensory language made me feel like I was in your story. One part that stood out to me was,"I sprung out of bed like the mattress was aflame. I got dressed as quickly as possible, then practically flew down the stairs into my kitchen. I had been awake for one and a half minutes, and it already felt like I had run a marathon." I liked this quote because that always happens to me and I always feel rushed going to school.
ReplyDeleteGood job that was a really good piece. The central idea is that the character was going to a new school and his mom was struggling after his dad passed away. I can related to this because I've been to a new school and it can be hard to move to a new school. The piercing alarm of my old digital clock woke me up from my refreshing slumber. The clock read 6:38. Great. I was going to be late for school. On the first day. In my new school. So much for first impressions. Good story AJ
ReplyDeleteAJ, you used hellacious sensory language in this prodigious essay. One line where it stood out to me most was,"The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for days." This helped me understand the repugnant smell in the bus. Stupendous essay!
ReplyDeleteI like your intro its engaging like you said "he piercing alarm of my old digital clock woke me up from my refreshing slumber".
ReplyDeleteyour conclusion was also good like when you said."The wheels of the bus screeched to a stop as we pulled into the bus parking spot". Overall good job. AJ
I like how you said "Zigging and zagging through the students’ legs in the aisle, I made my way to the back of the bus." that sensory language really helped me visualize how he felt in the situation. Also I liked when you said "The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for days." This helped you bring to life the setting, great job.
ReplyDeleteYou really made this piece come to life with your great use of onomatopoeia and similes. "'Well then stop talking to me and get on it.' RINGGGGGGGGG," when his mom hung up on him, and a great simile here "I saw the bus’s doors open, like arms unfolding."
ReplyDeleteAJ, you used great sensory language. One line where it stood out to me most was, "The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for days." This helped me understand the pungent smell on the bus. Great job AJ!
ReplyDeleteThe sensory language that stood out to me was when you said "The bus driver oddly welcomed me as I strolled onto the bus. All of the kids were looking at me but were not saying anything." I know that feeling that you are nervous but you don't know why.
ReplyDelete