Friday, February 22, 2019


Chapter One

The piercing alarm of my old digital clock woke me up from my refreshing slumber. The clock read 6:38. Great. I was going to be late for school. On the first day. In my new school. So much for first impressions.
I sprung out of bed like the mattress was aflame. I got dressed as quickly as possible, then practically flew down the stairs into my kitchen. I had been awake for one and a half minutes, and it already felt like I had run a marathon.
I scanned my cupboard titled “Snack Food” for the quickest meal possible. My eyes locked onto a bag of Doritos immediately. Perfect, I thought. I decided I would eat the Doritos on the bus going to school, giving me time to pack my backpack and do my hair.
Zipping through the china cabinets and cupboards decorated with U.S flags with my dad’s name on it, I bolted up to my room. Great, I thought, as I saw my phone charger not plugged into my phone. I picked up my Iphone 8 to see the battery at 8%, meaning I had barely any time to use it on the bus before it died. I located my clock on my nightstand and read the time: 6:41. That meant I had four minutes to pack my backpack, do my hair, and call my mom before I got on the bus. What a great start to the year.
I located my backpack and stuffed it full of all of the off-brand notebooks and folders that my mom bought from the dollar store. I scuttled to the bathroom, making sure I didn't trip on all of the boxes in my upstairs hall. I combed my hair in a matter of seconds, with  all of the thoughts about  a new school and school year racing through my head. Like my dad’s old Northrop T-38 Talon plane, I flew out of the bathroom, got my bag, and rushed down to put on my shoes. I read my dad’s favorite old clock, which read 6:45. My bus would be arriving at any second.  I opened up my phone, seeing two texts from my mom:

    hey, u haven't called me yet. I just                wanted to make sure ur up

    is everything alright

          I dialed my mom’s number with speed and clumsiness. As I heard the classic ringing sound, I saw the yellow silhouette of the school bus make its way down my street, the red stop lights turning on at each person’s stop. I shook my phone, trying to make my phone call faster (like that was a thing.) At last, my mother picked up.
“Sergio!” she howled.
“I know, Mamá, I woke up late because my alar-”
“I don't care! All I want to know is did you miss the bus?”
“No, 0amá, it is here right now.”
“Well then stop talking to me and get on it.”
RINGGGGGGGGG. And just like that, she hung up the phone. What's her problem today? I thought. She never acted like that, even when I got into more severe trouble, like catching the kitchen on fire when trying to make empanadas. Ever since my dad passed, she has never been the same. I knew that he was the most important thing in her life-even more important than me-and he was just ripped away from her. Since then, she had gone from a vibrant, energetic person, to a lazy, unmotivated individual. She had lost her main job as an accountant because of her depressed behaviour, she stopped cooking, especially my dad’s favorite meals. We had gotten take-out almost every night since. It had taken a massive toll on her health. She just was...so out of it. 
I jumped out of my thoughts as I heard the squeaking of the bus’s wheels outside of my house. Without hesitation, I sprinted outside, making sure that I had everything that I needed to go to school. I was sure that I had done everything that was needed. I saw the bus’s doors open, like arms unfolding. In an attempt to calm myself, I casually strolled outside and hopped on the bus.
The bus driver oddly welcomed me as I strolled onto the bus. All of the kids were looking at me but were not saying anything. The bus had this weird feel to it, almost as if you were in a zoo, feeling everybody gazing at you like sightseers. Zigging and zagging through the students’ legs in the aisle, I made my way to the back of the bus. Nobody said anything about it, which was surprising, because in my old school, only members of a certain gang could sit in the back (weird, I know). I was part of that gang, however, so I had the privilege to sit in the back. That's part of the reason why I am at this school now. I took a seat in the second to last seat, which nobody was occupying. A tall, lanky kid greeted me with a somewhat forced, “Hello.”
I responded quickly with a, “Hi, I’m Sergio.” I hated making small talk, but I was just introducing myself to this person.
“My name’s Michael. Are you new here?” he asked.
“Yeah, I moved in like two months ago,” I responded.
“Cool,” he added.
What was the point of that? I wondered. I get that he was just trying to be nice, but that was an odd interaction. There was absolutely no talking on the bus. It wasn't even a rule that the bus driver had made. The bus driver wasn't even talking either. The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for days. The horrible aroma made me queasy, which added to my motion sickness from the bus moving. I sat by myself, listening to music throughout the rest of the bus ride, until we arrived at Westboro Public High School. The wheels of the bus screeched to a stop as we pulled into the bus parking spot labeled “24.”




-AJ Castillo








13 comments:

  1. Aj good job, your use of adjectives made the setting and mood of the story come alive. One line that showed this is "I sprung out of bed like the mattress was aflame." The adjective aflame made me realize how fast the main character was moving. Overall great job Aj.

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  2. The sensory language you used was really good. It really stood out to me when you said "Without hesitation, I sprinted outside, making sure that I had everything that I needed to go to school. I was sure that I had done everything that was needed." I could really imagine that happening because i'm also worried I will forget something when going to the bus.

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  3. Everything you added brought the story to life. I could imagine being the boy, having the anxiousness to get to the bus. The sensory language and the strong verbs helped a lot with that. Also, the way you included the time added to all the distress of the character. The quote, "Zigging and zagging through the students’ legs in the aisle, I made my way to the back of the bus." showed strong sensory language that had me imagine being in the position.

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  4. Wow. That was absolutely great. You really set in that queasy tone of uneasiness. The line, "Great. I was going to be late for school. On the first day. In my new school. So much for first impressions," really struck me. It made me understand how Sergio goes with the flow and figures things out, despite how his mom chooses to act and the absence of his dad. It really shows me how I should go with the flow in my life. I woke up at 7:40 this morning and my bus comes at 8:20. I was super stressed about it and angry until I got down the driveway and realised everything was fine. I should have taken the late wake up more calmly.

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  5. A technique you used in your writing piece was figurative language. This really helped shape the story and bring it to life! An example of this could be, "I sprung out of bed like the mattress was aflame." and another," I had been awake for one and a half minutes, and it already felt like I had run a marathon." All of the following were similes. These helped me understand the rapidness the character when he got out of bed and how tired he was!

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  6. Your piece was very good and your sensory language made me feel like I was in your story. One part that stood out to me was,"I sprung out of bed like the mattress was aflame. I got dressed as quickly as possible, then practically flew down the stairs into my kitchen. I had been awake for one and a half minutes, and it already felt like I had run a marathon." I liked this quote because that always happens to me and I always feel rushed going to school.

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  7. Good job that was a really good piece. The central idea is that the character was going to a new school and his mom was struggling after his dad passed away. I can related to this because I've been to a new school and it can be hard to move to a new school. The piercing alarm of my old digital clock woke me up from my refreshing slumber. The clock read 6:38. Great. I was going to be late for school. On the first day. In my new school. So much for first impressions. Good story AJ

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  8. AJ, you used hellacious sensory language in this prodigious essay. One line where it stood out to me most was,"The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for days." This helped me understand the repugnant smell in the bus. Stupendous essay!

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  9. I like your intro its engaging like you said "he piercing alarm of my old digital clock woke me up from my refreshing slumber".
    your conclusion was also good like when you said."The wheels of the bus screeched to a stop as we pulled into the bus parking spot". Overall good job. AJ

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  10. I like how you said "Zigging and zagging through the students’ legs in the aisle, I made my way to the back of the bus." that sensory language really helped me visualize how he felt in the situation. Also I liked when you said "The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for days." This helped you bring to life the setting, great job.

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  11. You really made this piece come to life with your great use of onomatopoeia and similes. "'Well then stop talking to me and get on it.' RINGGGGGGGGG," when his mom hung up on him, and a great simile here "I saw the bus’s doors open, like arms unfolding."

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  12. AJ, you used great sensory language. One line where it stood out to me most was, "The bus had a distinct stench, one of sulfur and iron. It smelled like somebody mixed a rotten egg with a bar of iron and left it out for days." This helped me understand the pungent smell on the bus. Great job AJ!

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  13. The sensory language that stood out to me was when you said "The bus driver oddly welcomed me as I strolled onto the bus. All of the kids were looking at me but were not saying anything." I know that feeling that you are nervous but you don't know why.

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