He was sleeping
when he rolled straight towards the wall of his bed, banging his head hard on
the wall. “OW!” He sat up, holding his head in pain and thinking, Why am I
so dumb? Why can’t I be like everyone else? He slowly twirled his feet off
the bed onto the floor and slouched his back, resting his face onto his hands.
He let out a big sigh and stood up to walk to his door.
He unlocked his
door and slammed it open to hear, “OW! JASON!” Jason looked up to see that he
slammed his door on his mom, with a deep cut on her face, dark red blood oozing
out of her face. He slapped his hand onto his mouth with his eyes wide open.
She looked at him
with her eyebrows furrowed angrily and her mouth in a pout. “JASON! WHAT DID WE
SAY ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOOR OPEN!” she yelled.
Jason slapped his
face five times and said, “Don’t slam the door open because someone might be
there.” She had a tear in her eye. She forced her tears back, trying to look
strong. He could tell she wanted to cry, though. His mom rushed to the
bathroom, tears streaming down her face. He slapped his face once more and then
went downstairs to eat breakfast.
Jason walked in
the kitchen, looking down, and opened the cabinet to find a little bit of Cocoa
Krispies left. He looked in the refrigerator to find the milk. He grabbed a
bowl out of the dish rack and poured in the Cocoa Krispies to get the box
stolen by his little brother. “Haha! Maybe you should have poured in your
cereal faster!” He groaned and rolled his eyes at his brother. He decided to
just have the milk. He got a cup from the dishwasher and poured in the milk
slowly to find chunks of milk slowly coming out into the cup.
Jason yelled at
himself. “SERIOUSLY? YOU MESS UP TOO MUCH, JASON!” He stomped his foot so
loudly that everyone gathered together upstairs to look down at him yelling at
himself and slamming the table, having a tantrum.
He tightened his
fist, and he angrily stepped up the stairs. Each stair he became calmer. At the
last step, he took a deep breath and walked to the bathroom. He snatched his
toothbrush and toothpaste and started brushing his teeth.
He checked his
watch: 7:18. “I’M LATE!!” he screamed. He dashed downstairs, nearly
slipping but managing to grab his backpack. He looked out the window to see if
he missed his bus only to see the bus speeding through the neighborhood. He let
out a big sigh and walked all the way to school.
When Jason got to
school, he went to his locker to get his stuff. Why is no one here? he
thought. He checked his watch again: 8:50. His eyes widened, and his
whole body was shaking. “I’M LATE! I’M LATE! I’M LATE!” he screamed loudly. He
raced through the hall, up the stairs, and into the door. He slowly opened the
door to see everyone staring at him while he was breathing in and out loudly,
and his face was as red as a tomato. Everyone started to smile, and all of the
smiles turned into laughs. Jason’s face turned very pale like a ghost. His face
turned into a frown, and he fell into his seat.
The school day was
long, boring, and humiliating. People always bullied Jason and made fun of him
if he made a mistake. He hated school. He always went on the bus and looked out
the window, stressed out and so exhausted.
Usually when Jason
got on the bus, he would be bombarded with noise. His head would feel like it
was going to explode. Screaming kids, yelling bus driver, loud music playing,
fights. He often would have the misfortune of sitting next to that kid eating
an old bologna sandwich. The smell would make him sick to his stomach.
Just when he thought
things were bad, it was about to get worse. Something was coming. He heard
stomping coming towards him on the bus. It was sharp and steady. Jason looked
up to see a very tall boy. The boy had dark blue eyes and light brown curly
hair. He was also very pale and very skinny. He opened his mouth, and his teeth
were scary; each tooth looked like a vampire fang. The boy yanked Jason’s shirt
so close that the boy’s face tickled Jason’s ear. “I saw you. You were looking
at my friends and me. Don’t look at us again, alright?” He sounded serious, so
Jason just froze and didn’t say a word. Jason clenched his teeth, and he
tightly gripped the bus seat, staring at the boy straight in the eyes with his
eyes wide open. “That’s what I thought,” the boy said with an evil smile,
pushing Jason against the window.
Jason forcibly
opened the door and slammed it closed. He threw his backpack across the floor
and ran to his room. He locked the door and slammed his head against the wall
approximately three times and then fell on his bed.
A few hours later,
Jason got up from his bed, rubbing his eyes and yawning. He walked over to his
desk and sat down. He turned on his extremely bright desk light, squinting. He
saw his calendar waiting for him on his desk, so he gently picked it up and
opened it up to April. He saw that his birthday was the next day. He groaned
and smacked his desk since the next day was a Tuesday.
The next day was
Jason’s birthday. He surprisingly woke up at exactly 5:00 AM. He sat up
straight with a smile. He got out of bed and stood up with good posture and
walked to his door quickly. He gently turned the door knob and slowly opened
the door. His mom wasn’t there. Relieved, he skipped his way down the stairs,
looking overjoyed. He walked over to the kitchen to see his two brothers eating
slices of toast. Jason greeted them.
“Hey guys! How you
doing?”
“Fine, I guess,”
they both said at the same time, looking gloomy and pushing their yogurts to
the side. He shrugged with a smile and skipped his way to the cabinet.
There were many
choices today, but he just stuck with his normal choice, Cocoa Krispies. He
opened the box to see it was a full box of cereal. He smiled tremendously and
saw the milk was right next to the cereal, unopened and brand new. He took a
nice, clean bowl from the dish rack and poured in the cereal along with the
milk. He got a plastic spoon and ate a delicious bowl of cereal. He knew
something great was going to happen that day.
He checked his
watch: 5:50. “I’m on time today!” Jason said cheerfully. He picked up
his backpack and skipped his way to the bus. He was early today, so he sat down
on the bench, feeling the warmth of the sun on his skin, listening to the birds
chirping and watching the flowers swaying in the breeze. The sun was brilliantly
beaming, and the clouds were so puffy they looked like cotton candy. He smiled
and closed his eyes, soaking in the beauty of this day.
The bus came a
little bit later, and when the bus doors opened, he felt amazing, like he
accomplished something. He sat down in the very front and looked outside to see
neighbors walking their dogs and watering their plants.
He went to school,
and it felt like every class was giving him treats and presents for his
birthday. Everyone was extremely nice to him, and they barely even did school
work. He got a message from his mom, and she messaged him that she could pick
him up that day; he was so happy. So he got all his stuff together at his
locker, but this time he made it neat. He strutted down the hall and to the lobby,
feeling special. His mom was standing right there in the middle of the lobby,
waiting for him. He smiled a big smile and ran over to his mom, giving her a
big hug.
She smiled. “Ready
to go, Jason?” she asked.
“Sure am!” He
smiled at her, and together, they strolled to the car.
“Sweetie?” Jason’s
mom asked.
“Yes, Mom?”
“There is a gift
from Grandma on your bed when we get home. She really hopes you like it,” she
said.
“Okay, Mom!” Jason
said excited, bouncing up and down on the car seat.
They got home, his
mom hung up her car keys on the door and Jason put down his backpack on the
floor next to the door. He hurried upstairs to his room and looked down at his
bed. It was a tiny box that was pastel
pink with golden ribbon. He picked it up and looked at the bottom.
From: Grandma
To: Jason
Dear Jason,
I know you’ve been
having troubles throughout the years, so I really hope you like this gift.
Jason furrowed his
eyebrows in confusion and gently unwrapped the golden ribbon. He placed the
unwrapped ribbon on his bed and opened the small box. He looked inside to see a
brand new watch. It was golden and shiny. The clock was in roman numerals, and
the inside was white and silver. It had a little button on the bottom of the
watch that said, “Stop.” He was confused by the button, but he slipped off his
old watch and put on the new, golden watch.
He went downstairs
to eat dinner, and his mom was cooking asparagus. He hated asparagus, and he
pressed the button by accident. Everything stopped. Even the smoke from the pan
stopped. He walked around, and nothing moved. He pressed the button again, and
everything went back to normal. Everything was moving again. He was very
confused but also excited. He could press the button whenever he wanted to fix
anything before something bad happened. He sat down at the counter and tilted
his head to the right, resting his head in his hand. He was thinking of all the
things he could do with this watch.
The next day he
woke up and saw it was 6:00; time to go on the bus. So he pressed the button,
got ready, and took his time to get to the bus, having the best time of his
life. He walked up to the bus, unpaused time, and got on the bus.
He smiled a big
smile, eyes closed. He was so excited to have a watch that made everything easier.
He didn’t have to worry about being late for school, saying the wrong things,
and getting mad at everyone. The watch fixed everything. As long as he had the
watch, his life was perfect. When he got home, he saw there was asparagus on
the counter. He stopped time and changed the asparagus to carrots because he
loved cooked carrots. He unstopped time and casually walked away to do his
homework.
Day by day, he
used the button on his watch about 20 or more times a day. He didn’t think he
was using the watch too much, until the next day.
The next day, he
woke up. It was 6:00 AM. He stopped time to get all his things to go to the
bus. When he got to the bus, he pressed the button. He waited for it to work, a
huge smile on his face. He opened his eyes, and time was still paused.
He pressed it
again, and again, and again. No luck. His palms were sweating and his heart was
racing. Anxiously, he smashed the button. He watched in horror as the watch
shattered into what seemed like a million pieces. As he looked down at the
shattered watch; his mouth was quivering. He fell down on his knees and threw
his hands up in the air.
His eyes were
wide, tears swelling up in his eyes. Tears were falling out of his eyes at this
point, and he realized he was stuck in a frozen world, where he could never fix
it again. Nothing could help him.
-Chloe Grisham
This piece was really good, littered with actions that portray your character and how he was suffering and the mood change on his birthday. I also liked the descriptive language like "The sun was brilliantly beaming, and the clouds were so puffy they looked like cotton candy. He smiled and closed his eyes, soaking in the beauty of this day." in order to describe the scenes.
ReplyDeleteThe C.I. I saw was to not take things for granted. He may have found his way of dealing with things that would normally be left unchangeable but as he found out near the end, it may not have been the way to go considering he broke the only thing that could bring him back to the present. He took it for granted and let himself become reliant on the watch when he could have just changed his mindset to a positive set and stood up for himself and told an adult. But I really enjoyed this piece and I think Chloe did a great job!
ReplyDeleteIn this piece you used a lot of detail and sensory language that really stood out like "The sun was brilliantly beaming, and the clouds were so puffy they looked like cotton candy." you described the clouds and how they felt.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I really liked you use of figurative language in the lines, "Jason’s face turned very pale like a ghost." and, ", he would be bombarded with noise. His head would feel like it was going to explode." It really adds details and brings the story alive. Marvelous job!
ReplyDeleteGreat piece! Your writing really kept me hooked and wanting to read more. You used a lot of sensory language and great detail in your story. One line from your writing says,"Jason looked up to see that he slammed his door on his mom, with a deep cut on her face, dark red blood oozing out of her face.'' This really made me picture and visualize blood just oozing from the characters head. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was a awesome,very detailed good pice. you used a lot of figurative language"He watched in horror as the watch shattered into what seemed like a million pieces","his mouth was quivering". and a ton more. You did a good job writing this piece so i could basically imagine it in my head like the oven like or room or like unwrapping a present with a golden ribbon on top of it good job!.
ReplyDeleteI loved your use of sensory language! You really brought the scene alive, such as the line, "Jason looked up to see that he slammed his door on his mom, with a deep cut on her face, dark red blood oozing out of her face." Another example is, "He often would have the misfortune of sitting next to that kid eating an old bologna sandwich. The smell would make him sick to his stomach."
ReplyDeleteThis writing piece had a technique in it that made the whole piece come together. That technique you used was imagery. An example of when you used this is the line, "He slowly twirled his feet off the bed onto the floor and slouched his back, resting his face onto his hands." This line made me able to picture the main character doing what you are describing.
ReplyDelete